It's been a year now and the memories are still running around in my brain like a wild goose chase. Times of playfulness, times of sadness and times of happiness that I experienced with him were memorable, but those times are gone. I can only relived them, not in reality but in my dreams. When we first got together, it wasn't a normal "boy ask girl to be his girlfriend" situation but rather a "girl brings up topic and both boy and girl talks about it then agrees to give it a try" situation. It was the stumbling and unsureness of our agreement that kind of push me to the direction of trying even harder. I really liked him. I really did. That's why I brought up the topic of making it official after three whole months. Then, it went like any other relationship would go. Hugs and kisses were shared, sneaking around the school just to get some time alone, getting jealous, and even getting upset over the littlest things just to see the other persons reaction. It a wonderful and memorable experience and I was glad I could share it with him.
Honestly saying, I don't know what went through my head when I got upset over the littlest things. I knew it pissed him off to see me like this and I knew that it was tiring to fight with me for nothing everyday, and also I knew that he was tired. Tired of trying to convince me that I am beautiful, tired of constantly fighting with me about absolutely nothing and tired of my insecurities and unsureness of the relationship...and because of all these, it made the relationship, which started out as happy and beautiful as it sounds, turn rocky. Every time we talk...well...sometimes we don't even talk, we usually talk through the way of messaging. It was the only way where we can type our feeling out but show another on with our facial expression. I didn't know how he was feeling when we would text but I hope it wasn't irritation. We couldn't even communicate well anymore when we were face to face but all was lost after our graduation...
Less texts, less talking, no effort was felt, no love...what was I suppose to do? I would wait for days for him to start the conversation or just give me a call, but every time I check my phone....nothing. I had to start every conversation we had and one day, I just had enough. I wasn't seeing any effort, I wasn't feeling any love, I wasn't getting anything! I was so in love with him that I even convince myself to believe that maybe he was busy or maybe he will text tomorrow...I was wrong. Eventually, he texted me, asking whether we could talk and with me being in love with him said yes. I thought he wanted to talk because he missed me or something, but boy, was I wrong. He called to talk about breaking up with me because he felt like he was dragging me down with his baggage and he wanted me to be happy. I was crying when it was my turn to speak but I did manage to change his mind so we weren't broken up at that time. A month later, still no effort nor love was felt, I decided I have had enough. Our relationship ended after two years, five months and a couple of days.
The aftermath wasn't pretty. No I didn't starve myself and no I didn't go into depression but I was angry and upset because even when we broke up, he wasn't even fighting for it anymore. He just gave up. I was angry. Angry at him, at the world but mostly myself. I blamed myself for letting this to happen. Maybe it was because I didn't put enough effort, maybe I was not showing enough love...I blamed myself every single day but eventually I had to move on so I kept myself busy : with college, family and friends, but I wasn't prepared to hear that a month and a half later, he already found a new girlfriend. It broke my heart to hear that but some part of me was hoping they would break up and he would come back to me, but that part broke too. The day I wished him happy birthday was the day my heart officially broke when he confirmed that he indeed have a girlfriend. From that moment onwards, all contact and all messages were deleted. What I kept were the memories, notes and that polaroid picture we took together.
I admit, I have moments where I miss doing all those things we did but never once I imagined it with him anymore. I do regret starting up meaningless fights but that was to see whether he still cared or not. I wish things would have gone differently but what I don't fully regret is breaking up. Why? Because I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me and also he didn't need to go through the pain I caused him. I also have moments where I want to contact him just to talk but I resort to asking his friends on how he is doing or maybe just going to his Facebook profile to see what he is doing but never to the extent of stalking of course. I still care for him but not the same way I did when we were together. I can proudly say and also scream it at the top of my lungs that I have officially moved on. No pain is felt anymore when I look at the notes and the polaroid picture. I am proud and I am happy. I hope he is too.
~xoxo~
R
