Stalking apparently has it's perks. A few friends of mine apparently stalk their crushes or the people who they think are cute and what do you know...one of my friends found a miracle. Her crush apparently noticed her and started talking to her. She was ecstatic. Jumping around and squealing like a little pig is the apparent actions that she's doing now. I feel happy for her because she deserves the happiness and the joy. Ahh...the joys of having a crush and stalking them.

You know what feels even better? Having a crush and the crush having a crush on you too, but that only happens in our dreams and imagination. They say that sometimes dreams come true but I don't apply that into my life as it has never happen to me before. Maybe I'm just being mean by telling people to believe in dreams and having false hope, but it's the truth. Some people need a reality check and stop living in dreamland. Some people believe in fairytales and happily ever after, I have nothing against that or them since it's their choice to believe in whatever they want. Living in dreamland can be fun but sometimes living in reality is better.

Looking at the couples around me cuddling or hugging makes me miss the days that I used to have that. Sometimes I wonder how it was going to be if i didn't break up with him. Sometimes I wonder how's he's doing. It's normal to feel that way since it's human nature. I look back at the days we shared and sometimes cringe at what we did. It's funny because I use to believed in happily ever after. He made me really happy but in the end the one who was heartbroken was me (even though I was the one who broke up with him). I don't mind it now because I'm moving on and I don't miss him as much as I did before, but truthfully...

We say we're fine but we're not. We smile on the outside but we're broken on the inside. We laugh along but that isn't our real laugh. Broken people are hard to fix unless they find someone who can piece them back together. It could be a family member or a best friend, it could be anyone. It just has to be someone who cares and someone who is willing to stay even though you push them away, but the most important thing is that broken person stand up by themselves. Telling themselves that it's a good day and it's okay. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be broken, but you or anyone deserves happiness. So just remember, no matter how hard it gets...

It's going to be alright.

~xoxo~

R     

You know the feeling of feeling upset about something because you weren't part of that certain event or maybe not feeling connected to a certain group of friends? That's how I've been feeling for the past few months. If you think chipping a nail or losing a couple marks in your grade is awful, imagine being completely ignored by the people you think that cared for you, being betrayed and lied to again and again by the same person... I'm not writing this to receive pity from anyone but to express my feelings for these past few months.

If you had a group of friends that you care for and you have put your fullest effort into that group but at the end of the day the effort was not returned, how would you feel? How would you feel if that is what you have to face everyday? How long can you hold that fake smile for? Enough is enough. I've had to deal with feeling like that for the past seven months and let me tell you, it feels like crap. Knowing my efforts wasn't appreciated nor was my presence wanted, I went to look for a group of friends and I felt like luck was on my side as a found a group of friends that I could connect with and I felt like the effort put in is not wasted. I don't feel let down of forced to put a smile on my face just to tell everybody that I'm fine.

People tell me that it's ok to be selfless but not too selfless, don't be selfish but sometimes be selfish, you get me? It's sometimes confusing because you don't know whether to be selfish or selfless. I admit, I'm a selfless person because I care more for other people than myself. People constantly tell me to be selfish once in a while but not always. I can'e help being selfless. It's in my nature to care more for others than myself, but in the situation that I've been facing for the past seven months, it was enough to push me to the level of being completely selfish and only caring for myself.

I feel like when you face something or deal with something that upsets you in any way, you should think about the possibilities of what you may achieve if you just let go of that something. I did just that (after debating and consulting a lot of my friends) and decided that its' fine to think about your wants and your needs before others every once in a blue moon. If you come up to ask me how I feel now, I would say free, weightless, absolute, infinite, happy... and that's how I always want to feel.

~xoxo~

R