You know the feeling of feeling upset about something because you weren't part of that certain event or maybe not feeling connected to a certain group of friends? That's how I've been feeling for the past few months. If you think chipping a nail or losing a couple marks in your grade is awful, imagine being completely ignored by the people you think that cared for you, being betrayed and lied to again and again by the same person... I'm not writing this to receive pity from anyone but to express my feelings for these past few months.

If you had a group of friends that you care for and you have put your fullest effort into that group but at the end of the day the effort was not returned, how would you feel? How would you feel if that is what you have to face everyday? How long can you hold that fake smile for? Enough is enough. I've had to deal with feeling like that for the past seven months and let me tell you, it feels like crap. Knowing my efforts wasn't appreciated nor was my presence wanted, I went to look for a group of friends and I felt like luck was on my side as a found a group of friends that I could connect with and I felt like the effort put in is not wasted. I don't feel let down of forced to put a smile on my face just to tell everybody that I'm fine.

People tell me that it's ok to be selfless but not too selfless, don't be selfish but sometimes be selfish, you get me? It's sometimes confusing because you don't know whether to be selfish or selfless. I admit, I'm a selfless person because I care more for other people than myself. People constantly tell me to be selfish once in a while but not always. I can'e help being selfless. It's in my nature to care more for others than myself, but in the situation that I've been facing for the past seven months, it was enough to push me to the level of being completely selfish and only caring for myself.

I feel like when you face something or deal with something that upsets you in any way, you should think about the possibilities of what you may achieve if you just let go of that something. I did just that (after debating and consulting a lot of my friends) and decided that its' fine to think about your wants and your needs before others every once in a blue moon. If you come up to ask me how I feel now, I would say free, weightless, absolute, infinite, happy... and that's how I always want to feel.

~xoxo~

R