"You never forget your first love." I used to believe that that saying is a bunch of baloney, but that was me without any experience in the relationship 'industry'. I take back my words. I really do, because now I know what it feels like to have it then watch it disappear right in front of your eyes. 

It's been a year now and the memories are still running around in my brain like a wild goose chase. Times of playfulness, times of sadness and times of happiness that I experienced with him were memorable, but those times are gone. I can only relived them, not in reality but in my dreams. When we first got together, it wasn't a normal "boy ask girl to be his girlfriend" situation but rather a "girl brings up topic and both boy and girl talks about it then agrees to give it a try" situation. It was the stumbling and unsureness of our agreement that kind of push me to the direction of trying even harder. I really liked him. I really did. That's why I brought up the topic of making it official after three whole months. Then, it went like any other relationship would go. Hugs and kisses were shared, sneaking around the school just to get some time alone, getting jealous, and even getting upset over the littlest things just to see the other persons reaction. It a wonderful and memorable experience and I was glad I could share it with him.

Honestly saying, I don't know what went through my head when I got upset over the littlest things. I knew it pissed him off to see me like this and I knew that it was tiring to fight with me for nothing everyday, and also I knew that he was tired. Tired of trying to convince me that I am beautiful, tired of constantly fighting with me about absolutely nothing and tired of my insecurities and unsureness of the relationship...and because of all these, it made the relationship, which started out as happy and beautiful as it sounds, turn rocky. Every time we talk...well...sometimes we don't even talk, we usually talk through the way of messaging. It was the only way where we can type our feeling out but show another on with our facial expression. I didn't know how he was feeling when we would text but I hope it wasn't irritation. We couldn't even communicate well anymore when we were face to face but all was lost after our graduation...

Less texts, less talking, no effort was felt, no love...what was I suppose to do? I would wait for days for him to start the conversation or just give me a call, but every time I check my phone....nothing. I had to start every conversation we had and one day, I just had enough. I wasn't seeing any effort, I wasn't feeling any love, I wasn't getting anything! I was so in love with him that I even convince myself to believe that maybe he was busy or maybe he will text tomorrow...I was wrong. Eventually, he texted me, asking whether we could talk and with me being in love with him said yes. I thought he wanted to talk because he missed me or something, but boy, was I wrong. He called to talk about breaking up with me because he felt like he was dragging me down with his baggage and he wanted me to be happy. I was crying when it was my turn to speak but I did manage to change his mind so we weren't broken up at that time. A month later, still no effort nor love was felt, I decided I have had enough. Our relationship ended after two years, five months and a couple of days. 

The aftermath wasn't pretty. No I didn't starve myself and no I didn't go into depression but I was angry and upset because even when we broke up, he wasn't even fighting for it anymore. He just gave up. I was angry. Angry at him, at the world but mostly myself. I blamed myself for letting this to happen. Maybe it was because I didn't put enough effort, maybe I was not showing enough love...I blamed myself every single day but eventually I had to move on so I kept myself busy : with college, family and friends, but I wasn't prepared to hear that a month and a half later, he already found a new girlfriend. It broke my heart to hear that but some part of me was hoping they would break up and he would come back to me, but that part broke too. The day I wished him happy birthday was the day my heart officially broke when he confirmed that he indeed have a girlfriend. From that moment onwards, all contact and all messages were deleted. What I kept were the memories, notes and that polaroid picture we took together. 

I admit, I have moments where I miss doing all those things we did but never once I imagined it with him anymore. I do regret starting up meaningless fights but that was to see whether he still cared or not. I wish things would have gone differently but what I don't fully regret is breaking up. Why? Because I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me and also he didn't need to go through the pain I caused him. I also have moments where I want to contact him just to talk but I resort to asking his friends on how he is doing or maybe just going to his Facebook profile to see what he is doing but never to the extent of stalking of course. I still care for him but not the same way I did when we were together. I can proudly say and also scream it at the top of my lungs that I have officially moved on. No pain is felt anymore when I look at the notes and the polaroid picture. I am proud and I am happy. I hope he is too. 

~xoxo~

R     

Stalking apparently has it's perks. A few friends of mine apparently stalk their crushes or the people who they think are cute and what do you know...one of my friends found a miracle. Her crush apparently noticed her and started talking to her. She was ecstatic. Jumping around and squealing like a little pig is the apparent actions that she's doing now. I feel happy for her because she deserves the happiness and the joy. Ahh...the joys of having a crush and stalking them.

You know what feels even better? Having a crush and the crush having a crush on you too, but that only happens in our dreams and imagination. They say that sometimes dreams come true but I don't apply that into my life as it has never happen to me before. Maybe I'm just being mean by telling people to believe in dreams and having false hope, but it's the truth. Some people need a reality check and stop living in dreamland. Some people believe in fairytales and happily ever after, I have nothing against that or them since it's their choice to believe in whatever they want. Living in dreamland can be fun but sometimes living in reality is better.

Looking at the couples around me cuddling or hugging makes me miss the days that I used to have that. Sometimes I wonder how it was going to be if i didn't break up with him. Sometimes I wonder how's he's doing. It's normal to feel that way since it's human nature. I look back at the days we shared and sometimes cringe at what we did. It's funny because I use to believed in happily ever after. He made me really happy but in the end the one who was heartbroken was me (even though I was the one who broke up with him). I don't mind it now because I'm moving on and I don't miss him as much as I did before, but truthfully...

We say we're fine but we're not. We smile on the outside but we're broken on the inside. We laugh along but that isn't our real laugh. Broken people are hard to fix unless they find someone who can piece them back together. It could be a family member or a best friend, it could be anyone. It just has to be someone who cares and someone who is willing to stay even though you push them away, but the most important thing is that broken person stand up by themselves. Telling themselves that it's a good day and it's okay. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be broken, but you or anyone deserves happiness. So just remember, no matter how hard it gets...

It's going to be alright.

~xoxo~

R     

You know the feeling of feeling upset about something because you weren't part of that certain event or maybe not feeling connected to a certain group of friends? That's how I've been feeling for the past few months. If you think chipping a nail or losing a couple marks in your grade is awful, imagine being completely ignored by the people you think that cared for you, being betrayed and lied to again and again by the same person... I'm not writing this to receive pity from anyone but to express my feelings for these past few months.

If you had a group of friends that you care for and you have put your fullest effort into that group but at the end of the day the effort was not returned, how would you feel? How would you feel if that is what you have to face everyday? How long can you hold that fake smile for? Enough is enough. I've had to deal with feeling like that for the past seven months and let me tell you, it feels like crap. Knowing my efforts wasn't appreciated nor was my presence wanted, I went to look for a group of friends and I felt like luck was on my side as a found a group of friends that I could connect with and I felt like the effort put in is not wasted. I don't feel let down of forced to put a smile on my face just to tell everybody that I'm fine.

People tell me that it's ok to be selfless but not too selfless, don't be selfish but sometimes be selfish, you get me? It's sometimes confusing because you don't know whether to be selfish or selfless. I admit, I'm a selfless person because I care more for other people than myself. People constantly tell me to be selfish once in a while but not always. I can'e help being selfless. It's in my nature to care more for others than myself, but in the situation that I've been facing for the past seven months, it was enough to push me to the level of being completely selfish and only caring for myself.

I feel like when you face something or deal with something that upsets you in any way, you should think about the possibilities of what you may achieve if you just let go of that something. I did just that (after debating and consulting a lot of my friends) and decided that its' fine to think about your wants and your needs before others every once in a blue moon. If you come up to ask me how I feel now, I would say free, weightless, absolute, infinite, happy... and that's how I always want to feel.

~xoxo~

R    

Hello :)

Hello. Sorry for deleting all my previous posts. Looking back at them, I seem so immature but welcome anyway. Also, sorry for not updating or posting anything new on my blog. It's been a long time. Alright, now for why I'm restarting my blog. I felt like ranting out my frustrations her since I can't do it through YouTube as I don't have a video camera nor do I have a really good quality camera to film myself. So, I thought that ranting on a blog is easier. So here goes aye?

~xoxo~

R